Running away

I'm pretty antzy here. I woke up at 5am and was on the road by 6am to get back to the C.Dot. Oh the joys of driving through morning rush hour traffic. lol. I didn't really mind the drive because it gave me something to do and you never know what to expect. Then again I probably didn't mind the drive because I wasn't in a rush to get back to school. Lately I'm really just not enjoying it as much as I once did. I kinda want to leave but at the same time I want to stay. Maybe I'm just staying for the familarity and routine here. Nothing ever changes much. But I'm definately antzy and need to move. I need a break. I'll still be here just commute from much farther away than a 3 second walk..lol. I think maybe I'm the type of person that really needs to be on the go alot. The past three weeks I've really been wanting to move again. So I decided that I'm going to move and try to find a place outside of Cambridge. Who knows where I'll end up next.

Questioning Myself

I was checking my email this morning and I noticed one from Laurentian University. Since I wasn't there this semester this peeked my interest. I opened up the email and read. It was one from my faculty advisor regarding winter semester registration. All of a sudden I was wishing I was back at Laurentian. I missed the classes and stuff. So now I'm sitting here at my desk supposed to be writing a 15 page paper on family counselling and ministry within the Church and wondering if I'm where I'm supposed to be. My mind is filled with all these questions and doubts. It's like I never know what God wants me to do or I'm never totally fulfilled with where I am. So the question is do I stay at Heritage or go to Laurentian? Do I finish this degree that I'm almost done (1yr left) or get up and go. Do I take the chance of working on my BSW and not completing? There's so more security in a BSW but I'm sure that I will finish my BRE. What do I do?

Amber loves...

So I was reading a friend from high school's blog a little while ago and they had this on it. It's pretty funny. All you do is go to google.ca and the type in the search spot "(your name) needs". Here's what I got....

Amber loves to loose a few pounds
Amber loves to go
Amber loves analysis
Amber loves two or three-hours of therapy a day
Amber loves your help
Amber loves you to steer her balloon
Amber loves a parent who will create positive oportunities
Amber loves a highly structured environment with plenty of supervision
Amber loves it now
Amber loves an attorney
Amber loves some serious wardrob assistance
Amber loves a kleenex
Amber loves to be believable
Amber loves a hug
Amber loves you now
Amber loves some motivation
Amber loves support for all her basic living functions
Amber loves a big back yard
Amber loves life

Haha...that was fun. Those were just a few of the answer but I had fun procrastinating. Well it's time to hit the books and get back to writing my paper.

Praying & Weeping

Yesterday I layed in my room weeping.
I could no longer contain the sadness that was bursting within myself.
I weeped over my losses .
I weeped over my poor choices.
I weeped over what I had disregarded as nothing.
Finally I weeped because I felt like I had been such a disapointment to my wonderful Lord.
I had taken the easy road and left my God standing alone.
I simply weeped and continued to do so for hours.

There were so many different things that bothered me.
So many thoughts were running through my mind.
How could I done such an aweful thing?
How could I have continued to quietly turn my back on God while he kept reaching out to me?
How could I have allowed myself to loose such an amazing passion?

Today I was praying and talking to God. While I was talking to God I could not help but feel that I was still holding onto something. Something that God was asking me to let go and give to him. Now I was wondering how could I still be clinging onto something so tight after yesterday. I thought that I had given it all to Christ. Given my worries, fears, and deep sadness to the cross. But I hadn't.There was one thing that was so unbearable that I clung to it more than before. I thought to myself "How could I give it to God? Why would he want to take it from me? There was nothing good of it". But God kept, and keeps, saying to me even now...it's okay. I'll take the burden. Give it to me and you will be free. Everything is going to be okay my child. I love you and will not love you any less. Let me take your burden. Let me carry your cross.

Here I am sitting and typing. I'm still clinging but it seems as I have been typing my load seems a little lighter as I pause to reflect. I think for a moment and decide to give a little more of the load to God. He's slowly taking it as I slowly give it to him. I am hesitant but I know that God can bear the load. He will be okay. So I give a little more. It feels better. I am feeling better. I can almost see a small wee glimpse of light now. Maybe tomorrow that light will grow brighter and I can give God a little more of my sadness. Maybe I'll even have enough strength to give it all to him.


For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13.

A Thought on Worship

I don't think I have anything enlighting to say today...it's more random thoughts. They make sense to me but that's only inside my head and unlike many people I understand my weird thoughts and comments. I think something that was really on my mind today was how we worship God. There are so many different ways to worship God. That's something that I really tend to forget. I have to remind myself alot that there are other ways to worship God than through music. We can worship God through art, dance, music, and many other things.

Also, I've lost my voice pretty much so today in Chapel I couldn't sing along with the worship team. I thought it would kind of suck because I really enjoy singing out of tune and just praising God. To my amazement though it was way more intimate to just read the words and say them to God in my head. I had a chance to reflect on each word, saying, and thought in my mind. I had to opportunity to make sure that I actually truly meant what I was going to say to God before I said it. I wasn't all caught up in staying on beat or in tune. I found I that I meant what I was saying rather than getting caught up in singing a fun song. It's hard because alot of our worship is catchy and fun to sing and we sometimes forget what it is all about. It's not about us or having a fun time. It's about God. It's about his awesomeness and so much more. So next time I'm worshiping God in chapel or at church I'm going to try to focus more on what I'm saying to God rather than getting caught up in the song. I'm going to truly mean what I say I'm worshiping God for.

The Frustrations and Comforts of Life

This past month has been a huge struggle for me with student cabinet stuff, school work, work, and friends. It all just seems too much. It feels as though there is not enough of me to spread around or enough hours in a day. Somedays are so overwhelming I just have to get in my car and drive. I drive to escape my problems, to reflect, and to just pretend that none of these things actually exist somedays. I like to be on the move. If I can't deal with a situation I just get going. I like to avoid situations until I feel as though I am in control. Something definately not good for my relationship with God. I shouldn't be running away from things. I should be bringing them to God asking for his help, strength, comfort, and endurance.

There is this one situation that is just beyond me. It's an issue of personal care for oneself. I mean God has given and blessed us everything that we have, this including our bodies. So then are we not to treat our bodies as temples of the Lord. Should we not strive to take the best care of ourselves to glorify God? Then why would we not care for ourselves and preserve our bodies. This "friend" of mine simply does not care for themselves. It's not that they lack the skills or knowledge of how to care for themselves but that they simply do not take the time to. So I've been praying about the situation and talking to God about it...trying to figure out how to approach them. I thought that I had this great plan in using the "subtle hint". This way I could quietly talk/hint to them about an issue without hurting their feelings. I've said things like: "I find I have to put my dirty laundry in a closed hamper or else it just stinks horrible" or "Did you know that we're suppossed to wash our sheets every other week". These are just a few of the many many "subtle hints" that I have tried. So far none have worked. The "friend" simply just laughs everything off thinking I'm a crazy obsessive compulsive person when it comes to cleanliness. It is so frustrating. So the next thing I tried was talking to them in a loving Christ-like manor explaining that there was an issue. What a hard situation...especially since I do not like confrontation of that sort. We seemed to have a really good discussion. We talked back and forth...everything seemed to go well. Now another week later, this friend has gone back to their 'old ways' of living. Nothing has changed. It's so difficult. How do I deal with this? It seems as though nothing has or is going to change. Anywho, enough of the babbling of this problem.

Despite this one issue and many other stresses in my life there is some comfort. I was reading my Bible the other day and opened up to Psalm 20. It was exactly what I needed to hear and read. God totally guided me to the right passage that would help me.

Psalm 20
May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.
May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.

May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.
We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of God.
May the LORD grant all you request.

Now I know that the LORD saves his annointed.
he answers him from his holy heaven
with the saving power of his right hand.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
They are brought to their knees and fall,
but we rise up and stand firm.

Oh LORD, save the king!
Answer us when we call!

Just the Beginning

I've never really been the type of person who is able to clearly articulate what they are thinking or wanting to say. Somehow whatever I say seems to come out way different than what I originally was thinking inside of my head. I guess all of us feel like this sometimes...but with me it's most of the time. So I was thinking...hey this would be a great way for me to express myself. I could talk about life, my experiences, thoughts, feelings, and just random stuff. This my friend is the beginning. A new beginning, a place where I can feel free to be totally open with myself. So I just ask one thing that you do not judge me for what I say. Take it with a grain of salt. Let me be me and I will let you be you.