Praying & Weeping

Yesterday I layed in my room weeping.
I could no longer contain the sadness that was bursting within myself.
I weeped over my losses .
I weeped over my poor choices.
I weeped over what I had disregarded as nothing.
Finally I weeped because I felt like I had been such a disapointment to my wonderful Lord.
I had taken the easy road and left my God standing alone.
I simply weeped and continued to do so for hours.

There were so many different things that bothered me.
So many thoughts were running through my mind.
How could I done such an aweful thing?
How could I have continued to quietly turn my back on God while he kept reaching out to me?
How could I have allowed myself to loose such an amazing passion?

Today I was praying and talking to God. While I was talking to God I could not help but feel that I was still holding onto something. Something that God was asking me to let go and give to him. Now I was wondering how could I still be clinging onto something so tight after yesterday. I thought that I had given it all to Christ. Given my worries, fears, and deep sadness to the cross. But I hadn't.There was one thing that was so unbearable that I clung to it more than before. I thought to myself "How could I give it to God? Why would he want to take it from me? There was nothing good of it". But God kept, and keeps, saying to me even now...it's okay. I'll take the burden. Give it to me and you will be free. Everything is going to be okay my child. I love you and will not love you any less. Let me take your burden. Let me carry your cross.

Here I am sitting and typing. I'm still clinging but it seems as I have been typing my load seems a little lighter as I pause to reflect. I think for a moment and decide to give a little more of the load to God. He's slowly taking it as I slowly give it to him. I am hesitant but I know that God can bear the load. He will be okay. So I give a little more. It feels better. I am feeling better. I can almost see a small wee glimpse of light now. Maybe tomorrow that light will grow brighter and I can give God a little more of my sadness. Maybe I'll even have enough strength to give it all to him.


For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13.